Salty Storylines: Sylvanas 7 Preseason

Sylv gets the sodium treatment today as Rebobson, Nade and Jerry are back again!

Summer is fast approaching its end, and with such bleak times ahead, we can only turn to one thing to alleviate our sorrows: a children’s card game, played with strangers over the internet. Yes, that’s right, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, another season is upon us! We have teams of all shapes and sizes, we have faces old and new alike, we have divisions rolled, we have conferences lined up and ready to compete; it can only be one thing, Sylvanas League Season 7! I’m rebobson, and I’ll be walking you through the highs and lows of the upcoming season and its competitors, as well as making completely baseless and unfounded claims about the results which will in no way be vindicated. Alongside me will be Nade and JerryDamage, who will be tossing spurious claims of their own willy nilly. The law of averages says someone might be right, but no: we’re all going to be completely fucking wrong. Read ‘em and weep, and let’s get ready to rumble!


As always, we’d like to remind our readers of a few things before we begin:

1. This is not an official power ranking. This is meant to highlight some of the interesting storylines this season has to offer based on league history up to this point.

2. We don’t know everyone in the League, there’s lots of new folks out there, so we apologize in advance for the lack of mentions for some of you due to little or no information for us to work from.

3. The opinions in this article are based solely on those of the authors, and not the THL board. We may tend to be crude or a little dramatic at times, but know that it’s all in good fun.


4. The principal author of this article is like the THL equivalent of Santa Claus, and the other guys contributing supporting bullshit are like his sexy, sexy elves. Do you want some coal in your stocking this year? No? Didn’t think so; read on, and don’t question it. Ho ho ho, motherfuckers.


Here we go!

​Blue Division Reactions:

• Argent Terminus Legion
  
• Bomb Voyage
  
• Black Ops Elves
  
• Faithless Lumi
  
• Tap Last
  

rebobson: Well, well, well. Talk about a mixed bag, huh? Starting things off with the tried and true, we have the Argent Terminus Legion: the ATL boys are proven stalwarts of both Leagues at this point, and with 4 proven League hands in this team, last season’s losing Rold semifinalists look to have themselves in a strong position. The only question mark is the impact departing captain BlakeHall will have through his absence; will the most wholesome man in THL (sorry Saku) be missed, or will Sullythe1 step up admirably to the captain’s table? From one question mark to another, we have a whole fucking team of them in Bomb Voyage: will the 4 new players gel cohesively? Will DoctorDr8del be able to keep that notorious temper in check, and lead them successfully? Just how did they come up with such a fucking sweet name? Only time will tell. From one team of old hands and one of fresh faces, we have the Black Ops Elves, who have made writing this article incredibly easy by having a nice split of both. In FRIDGaming and last season’s MVP (and my eternal rival) AlienSanta, the Elves may have the strongest 1 2 punch in the league… maybe. More on that next. However, with 1050 PR used on those 2, the question mark that hangs over all top-heavy teams remains: how well will the 3 new faces the SantaMan has assembled adjust to the League, particularly in the harder Last Hero Standing format? Faithless Lumi are the other contenders for the most terrifying 1 2 punch, with Seohyun628 and LeadPaint being quite honestly a fucking terrifying proposition; captain Volkai might just be onto something here, assuming the remainder of the team can follow suit and learn something along the way from this lethal duo. Finally… we have Nade. With Tap Last, we have a solid bottom 3, with BillSnyder looking like the ace up Nade’s sleeve at only 385 PR. Assuming the top 2 can hold their own against the field, maybe, just maybe, this will be the first Nade team that doesn’t suck harder than your dad.


Nade: Just because we’re gonna rock this shit doesn’t mean we still don’t suck, Bob. Anyway, this division has a huge problem, as my grandma would always say, “Seohyun and motherfucking LeadPaint,” (or something like that). This will not be fun for any of us over in Bluesville...


JerryDamage: This division is going to have some battles this season. I’m excited to see if the South Pole invasion of the Black Ops Elves can take over the ATL. I also wouldn’t count out the Faithless Lumi showing everyone to respect our mech overlords.   

Predictions for Blue Division:


Division Winner: Argent Terminus Legion (rebobson), Faithless Lumi (JerryDamage)

MVP: Seohyun628 (rebobson), LeadPaint (Nade, JerryDamage)

Comeback Player: Seohyun628 (rebobson, JerryDamage), Jaxox (Nade)

Rookie of the Season: BillSnyder (rebobson, Nade), Leadpaint (JerryDamage)

Overseeded: Nade (rebobson), RedTater (Nade), Childish Gambino (JerryDamage)
​
Underseeded: BillSnyder (rebobson, JerryDamage), LeadPaint (Nade)

Purple Division Reactions:

• AskHS
  
• DadLegend
  
• Hero Power Rangers
  
• Tan Pam’s Surf Slam
  
• The Fearless Hearth
  

rebobson: AskHS kick off the Purple division with the not significant question weighing down on their shoulders: does anyone on the internet actually know what the fuck they’re talking about, or are we all just lying, cheating pigs? Let’s hope captain Khell knows what he’s doing with this very imbalanced team setup; a lot may be resting on the success of Cary and Opti in the pivotal 1 and 3 seed. DadLegend show up once again, with a largely unchanged lineup from the one that narrowly missed out on the finals last time around. Frankly, any team that has Rizen in the 4 seed can’t be that bad, right? If newcomer Fern can take to the team, this will be one of the teams to watch. Another returning team, the Hero Power Rangers, remain largely unchanged; Britbulldog may be what this team needs to make the push from ‘OK’ to ‘good’. Oowoooo. Tan Pam’s Surf Slam might be an unchanged roster from last season, it might not. There’s so much player swapping between this group of players I’ve honestly got no fucking idea anymore. But you all know how Stubbies/DMB/Tan Pam’s teams work by now: 60 PR from 1 seed to 5 seed, winning most games in the 4 and 5, losing a lot in the 1 and 2, with everything resting on the poor soul who’s found themselves in the 3 that particular week. There will be more seed swapping than that 'dinner party' your parents hosted every other Saturday night when you had to go and stay with your uncle Steve. And finally… Chiggmo is actually playing Hearthstone? The Fearless Hearth look to actually have themselves a very solid roster, with wunderkind Aviously a steal for his PR, and fancy19 and kazootaroot looking a very solid low end. If Chiggmo actually shows up (or at least gets them a good sub), this team should do very well indeed.


Nade: I’m fascinated by the AskHS squad. Super top heavy with some solid talent, paired with some eager-to-learn lightweights on the bottom. Very much excited to see AskHS live up to their name of coaching up some low performers into some serious Hearthstone heroes. Keep a close eye on this team this season.


JerryDamage: What happens when the DadLegends actually make the push for Legend? I think we might find out this season.

Predictions for Purple Division:


Division Winner: DadLegend (rebobson, Nade, JerryDamage)

MVP: Aviously (rebobson), Rizen (JerryDamage)

Comeback Player: Aviously (rebobson, JerryDamage)

Rookie of the Season: Fern (rebobson), BritBulldog (JerryDamage)

Overseeded: Tan Pam’s Surf Slam’s 1 Seed at any given time (rebobson), SilentStorm (JerryDamage)
​
Underseeded: Rizen (rebobson, JerryDamage)

Red Division Reactions:

• Floop’s Gloop’s Bloops
  
• Smells like Steam Spirit
  
• Team Black Lotus
  
• The Insomniacs
  
• Ugly Mucklings
  

rebobson: The spirit of Toki Tinker’s Fan Club lives on in Floop’s Gloop’s Bloops, both in the fucking amazing name, and several key personnel; captain Bonja has retained his high performing low end, while adding a player who lives in top 20 Legend in Cesky. This lot may have a very good shot of repeating last season’s finals appearance if things go as anticipated. I hope they do, just so I get to hear casters say that name, over, and over, and over again. Speaking of names, Smells like Steam Spirit (go on, try and say it five times fast) will certainly be a team that casters hope don’t do well; that name’s more of a tongue twister than giving Groot a blowjob. Player wise, Bluesombrero looks to have assembled a solid group of players, but solid don’t pay the bills against some of these other teams. Team Black Lotus are another team with a fairly solid roster; a lot will depend upon Appa’s ability to improve on a fairly lacklustre return to the league last season if they want to really play with the big boys. The Insomniacs are the Red Divisions token ‘I have no idea what to say about all these new players’ team’; a lot of this team’s chances hinge on JoshSampson’s ability to craft a team from this lovable group of rogues and misfits, and kd1215’s ability to wreak havoc in the 1 seed. Finally, to wrap things up, we have a team who have fucking ironFIRE in the 3 seed. Ugly Mucklings have to be the standout favourites with a 1 2 3 of Wolfmack, Starlax and ironFIRE, and honestly if JerryDamage and Starden pick up a few tips off those guys, the Rold conference better watch out.


Nade: Wow. My goodness. Red is lit. A healthy mix of proven veterans, promising rookies, and all around badassery. I would be foolish to say any one of these teams are gonna outdo the others. I won’t even bother because it’s too damn close and I’d just be wasting our time. Excited to see how Cesky, ironFIRE, and and all these five seeds do this season. Should be a great show. Lastly, Mucklings take this division EZ.


JerryDamage: This is a murderer’s row of teams to go through. At the end of the day though, all I can say is #MuckYou.

Predictions for Red Division:


Division Winner: Ugly Mucklings (rebobson, Nade, JerryDamage)

MVP: Cesky (rebobson), JerryDamage (Nade), IronFIRE (JerryDamage)

Comeback Player: JerryDamage (rebobson, JerryDamage)

Rookie of the Season: Cesky (rebobson, Nade, JerryDamage)

Overseeded: dexterhs (rebobson), JoshSampson (Nade), MichaelScottHS (JerryDamage)
​
Underseeded: ironFIRE (rebobson, Nade, JerryDamage)

Gold Division Reactions:

• 65,340,285 Boars
  
• Big Deck Bandits
  
• Cult of Mecha C’thun
  
• Eon
  
• Xplosive Sheep
  

rebobson: The Gold division is like ‘Exhibit A’ for the effect that meme teams have on the THL format: this division has an average PR of below 1600, but is arguably the most stacked on average of any of the divisions. 65,340,285 Boars may not have yours truly card slinging this season, but Brasky in the 5 seed is just frankly unfair; assuming new face Runhesaid can prove her mettle, the core of this championship winning team should carry on through and put up the goods.The Big Deck Bandits have acquired themselves a proctologist in DocMcButt, just in case they fancy expanding from decks into butts; this is a team of solid players, which may just be eked out by some of the stronger teams in this conference. Stephieee and Riots may be able to pull out a good run on the power of friendship alone, however, which might just get them over the line. Bah humbug. The Cult of Mecha C’thun are very much the unknown factor in this division: for starters, either the website is wrong and they are called the Cult of Mecha’thun, or THEY SPELLED THE CARD NAME THEY ARE FUCKING NAMED AFTER WRONG. But anyway. ClarkHellscream is a strong player I am personally familiar with, but the remaining four players I can honestly say I know less about than I know about astrophysics. Moving onto the obligatory #FuckEon, we have Eon, the spiritual successor to whoever the fuck Aeon were. This team is stacked from top to bottom, with stellar 2, 4 and 5 seeds, with Darkseid as a 3 seed being this team’s only real weak point. Definite playoff contenders, though we’ll all be rooting against them all the same. #FuckEon. After Eon’s lofty highs, we come screeching to a halt in the middle of the road with Xplosive Sheep, who have a point to prove after missing out on playoffs despite being the fourth highest point total in their conference last season. With 3 new faces, however, they will have their work cut out to achieve the same thing once again, and a lot will rest on the shoulders of Catman1950 (shit, he’s old) if they wish to regularly rack up the points.


Nade: Boars, bandits, old boys and newbies - this is gonna be fun. Eon stands out to me first and they can really make some noise if TopHat shows up to his matches. I think Boars trample this division, and then we have an interesting fight for second place.


JerryDamage: Gold is going to provide some really tough competition for Red this season. This is my vote for toughest conference. Whoever makes it out of here will be a force come playoff time.

Predictions for Gold Division:


Division Winner: Eon (rebobson, JerryDamage), Bopars (Nade)

MVP: FollowDurden (rebobson), Brasky (Nade), Stephieee (JerryDamage)

Comeback Player: Stephieee (rebobson, Nade), TheTownDrunk (JerryDamage)

Rookie of the Season: ClarkHellscream (rebobson, Nade, JerryDamage)

Overseeded: Darkseid (rebobson), erajp (Nade), RicFlair (JerryDamage)

Underseeded: Brasky (rebobson, Nade, JerryDamage)

With all that said and done, we have reached the end of our incessant rambling, and congratulations are due to you all for braving that mire of horseshit all the way to the end. Remember, even if we were right, really, we were still wrong. May Sylvanas League’s first season with a full 20 teams be just as enjoyable and memorable as the last, and may the many-faced god smile upon you. Live long and prosper, you fucking nerds.


-rebobson