Salty Storylines for Season 7

​Preseason Edition

Happy Monday, THL, and welcome to Season 7! In case you missed it here THL Season 7 rosters were revealed on Tavern Talk, divisions were rolled randomly, and our conferences have been established. The official season schedule is up and the madness starts now. Mr. RNGesus set up quite an interesting arrangement for us with these divisions, and in this article we’ll have Markshire, FollowDurden, and Nade walk you through their initial reactions.

Quick shoutout to Cassity14 for inspiring this article with his Salty Storylines for Season 5 and as he did there we too would like to remind our readers of a few things before we begin:

1. This is not an official power ranking. This is meant to highlight some of the interesting storylines this season has to offer based on THL history up to this point.
2. We don’t know everyone in the league, there’s lots of new folks out there, so we apologize in advance for the lack of mentions for some of you due to little or no information for us to work from.
3. The opinions in this article are based solely on those of the authors, and not the THL board. We may tend to be crude or a little dramatic at times, but note that it’s all in good fun.
4. The authors of this article are very attractive and likely have higher IQs than you.

Now that we have a mutual understanding here, let’s get started!

Black Division reactions:

• N.W.A.
• Get Off My Lawn
• Team Golden Wisp
• Aeon
• Thermic Whims

Durden: Holy shit. What god’s Cheerios did these teams piss in to wind up in the same division together? Oh, wait, Markshire is loosely associated with one of these teams. That explains everything. The studs in this division read like the acting list from a month of Brazzers videos: Dwayna, Seohyun, Alec, Ztdubz, TonyMontana, JediNinja, NaCl, FlyestLai, Switters, and on and on. The only thing this division is missing to round out the analogy is one MrMandingo. If you’re picking up what I’m laying down. 
The division has one new starlet joining four powerhouses. Welcome to the gang bang, Thermic Whims. Only time will tell if the Whims are gonna go the way of Dirty Mike or Boom Squad. Looking at this division, they’ve got their work cut out for them. Not a new team, but in the way of new players to THL the division finds a couple of ladder legends. Dwayna is always in the hunt for Top 10 finishes, and Seohyun has finished in the Top 20 of the last few Last Call standings. Also we find THL’s resident mercenary in the division, Dlineman joining his 28th team in 7 seasons. The battle for division supremacy is shaping up to be more than a handful, and could well become a two-horse race between Aeon and Team Golden Wisp. We can confirm that Durden drained his kids’ college funds to sign Dwayna for the Aeon 1-seed. Lord knows what Alec did to convince Seohyun to join TGW. Let’s just hope it was legal. Or not. 

Neither NWA nor GOML are teams to discount. NWA reloaded in the 1-seed with prized free agent Ztdubz, and otherwise ran back a competitive team. GOML is bringing back all the old dudes who are more than capable of competing in their seed ranks. ADKT is a player to watch in the 4-seed on their side, for sure. What else to watch out for? That 2-seed looks like murderer’s row - Dlineman, Seohyun, Jingbudda, TonyMontana, Switters. Damn, man. Just damn. The 3-seeds are no slouch either, as WickedMayhem had a number of teams looking to recruit him this offseason, and Hockeyboyz is bringing a chip on his shoulder to the season and is ready to prove he’s 1-seed material. 

Nade: I’d rather eat dog shit than have to guess which one of TGW, NWA, or Aeon will outperform the other two.

Markshire: I swear, if I wasn’t Aeon’s coach we wouldn’t have gotten conference screwed again. Every fucking season. 

Notes / Predictions for Black division:
Division Winner: Aeon (Durden, Markshire), dog shit (Nade)
MVP: Seohyun (Mason), AlecGWPodcast (Durden), Jedi (Nade)
Comeback Player: Darkseid
Rookie of the Season:  Seohyun
Overseeded: Mia Khalifa
Underseeded: AlecGWPodcast

Teal Division reactions:

• Prep Coin Concede
• Dirty Mike and the Boys
• Defias Brotherhood
• Hearthstone Academy
• The Pod People

Markshire: The Teal Division, or the Green Division as some like to call it, is the only division to have no teams that are new to the league (although many of them only have 1 or 2 seasons of THL experience under their belts). The obvious storyline here is that Teal is home to both of last season’s finalists: Dirty Mike and the Boys and Hearthstone Academy. Durtymike and his boys have returned with the same exact roster, and will be looking to take revenge on an updated HSA team returning only one deliciously light malt beverage. HSA looks as strong as ever, with league veterans Dunamis and Catota at the 2 and 3 seeds and MemyselfandI in a great position at the 1 seed ever since his mom banned him from playing Meat Wagon Paladin.

Prep Coin Concede has returned with new leadership under NecroticHS, who signed last season’s 5 seed All-Star Krakshot and stayed true to his team’s name by picking up Coin Concede podcast host Cinder. Cinder’s co-host RidiculousHat returns as The Pod People’s 1 seed and captain for the second straight season and with no roster changes (although rumour has it Mojopowell only has one more season to find his own podcast or he’s off the team). ArcaneTHL disbanded Initium Novum and found a home with Defias Brotherhood, who returns the 1-2 punch of Gnetz and Joe_HS at the top of their roster, as well as captain c0mp and 5 seed Aeo. 

Durden: I think this is the season that HSA finally slips and misses the playoffs. The Tegreenal division is very deep at every seed, and I can easily see a scenario where Prep Coin Concede and Dirty Mike & the Boys make this a two-horse race. 

Nade: Can we just call Rebobson “Bob”? We need more Bobs around here.

Notes / Predictions for Teal division:
Division Winner: HSA (Markshire), Dirty Mike & the Boys (Durden, Nade)
MVP: Sirlos (Markshire), Krakshot (Durden), Bob (Nade)
Comeback Player: Gnetz
Rookie of the Season: JetLaw (Markshire), Bob (Durden, Nade)
Overseeded: Zerotio
Underseeded: Catota

Blue Division reactions:

• Netherstorm
• Xnergy
• Philly Hearth
• Always Topdeck Lethal
• Texas Stubbies

Nade: If THL owned a rundown stripclub for freaks into weird fetishes that you never even knew existed, it would be called Blue Division. From the outside it looks like a hot pile of garbage. From the inside, hotter garbage. I’ve never been so turned on in my life.

​Who’s the frontrunner? Who will fall flat? Who gives a shit? We have two underperforming franchises in Netherstorm and Xnergy, and a startup team who struggled through their Season 6 debut in ATL. They’re joined by 10 inexperienced league players (besides a short sub scene from Mandingo :thinking:), who fill the remaining two squads of the division in Philly Hearth and Texas Stubbies. Anything goes over here! Why? TGW was a long-running, underperforming franchise that underwent one roster change then dominated the field - could this be Xnergy’s or Netherstorm’s time to do the same? Swagoi ended their debut season scoring relatively low, then went on to win their division the following season - could ATL replicate this for themselves? DMB joined the league last season as the team no one knew a damn thing about and found themselves in the finals - I’m looking at you Philly and Texas. Blue Division is the place to be right now and I’m already chubbing over the storylines that are about to unfold. This is the most exciting division to watch IMO.

Let’s look at the makeovers these returning teams got. ATL loses DsDiagnosis and picks up an enemy from last season in BlueSpartan to join their ranks, meanwhile DexterHS drops the underperforming ZAB to pick up a little more consistency in JRJuggernaut. Looks like these teams have their fingers crossed that these player swaps might be TGW-esque and put them on the map. Twizz improves a 1652 Netherstorm into a 1747 squad to feel confident about after pulling in the super successful Chiggmo to lead the pack and picking up some PR in their anchor with Expendable. Overall, not much movement in the rosters here, but maybe the change in meta might bolster these adjustments. Lastly, look at this separation in the five seeds from 113 PR - 260 PR! Ozmanaut tops that list with a whopping lead of 147 PR over SlimeGuy. We’re either gonna see a Texas chainsaw massacre down in fivesville or we’ll see our vets like Dexter and Slime keep this slot in check. Place your order now boys and girls; this season’s gonna be quite the show.

Durden: How could one improve on that commentary from Nade? I’m speechless. He’s the Hemingway of our Digital Age.  

Markshire: The Philly / ATL rivalry is gonna be real. 

Notes / Predictions for Blue division:
Division Winner: THL, cause we all have front row seats to this shit show.
MVP: Inposition (Durden), Shunsui21 (Markshire), Dexter (Nade)
Comeback Player: Twizz 
Rookie of the Season: DES Adam
Overseeded: Misadventure 
Underseeded: SwankyTiger 

Purple Division reactions:

• The Dog House
• The H*ckbois
• Noob Central
• Bad Hombres
• Team Swagoi

Nade: Definitely see some drama here. Swagoi’s first THL exposure was against the Noobs in Season 5. They got shown just how small their decks were after losing 8-17 in their debut week. Noobs fell just short of making the playoffs for yet another season in Season 6 as they failed to surpass Swagoi by 7 points in the end. These two teams have started to build some history together. As father / son Anamor and Slimsch now compete against one another on these squads, it will be fun to watch Noob Central and Team Swagoi clash again for a third season in a row as they fight through the same path for glory. Furthermore, they’re both joined by the Bad Hombres in their division again for the second time. Hombres feature two dominating players in MVParker and RogueJT who boast some of the highest win rates in THL history (64.29% and 68% respectively), with Mainge wheeling reliably close behind them with a solid 52.38%. That’s a recipe for success in the 1-2-5 if I’ve ever seen one. We’ll see what the Hombres are cooking up this season however, depending whether they want to capitalize on that recipe for success or just queue up some recipe decks. 

Can we also note that this is Division Tavern Talk? TheAnarchist (Dog House), Slimsch (Noobs), Anamor (Swagoi), and Mainge (Hombres) delighted us with the Season 7 premiere episode of TT with the long-awaited team reveals and the most scripted / rigged division rolling we’ve ever seen. Reliable sources can confirm that a deal was made with the wheel of fate to make sure these teams landed together just for some friendly banter on TT this season. I look forward to some good ol fashion smack talk, gentlemen.

Purple also has the tightest spread in total PR for its teams (1753 - 1777), and only features two new players to the league in Hound (The H*ckbois), and Earl (Swagoi). TheAnarchist brings in a crew of SHL vets into THL territory with The Dog House and The H*ckbois march in with some proven THL warriors with the previously mentioned Hound as the only untested entity. This will be some tight competition.

Durden: Could the Hombres pull off the Cinderella worst-to-first storyline? While most eyes were on the depth of the black and tegreenal divisions as loaded, this purple division is no slouch and brings incredible depth to Season 7. That 3-seed depth is insane and I’m already feeling Hound’s pain. What a welcome to THL that’s gonna be. 

Markshire: What is essentially Season 6 HSA returns in the H*ckbois this season. I’m looking forward to seeing how the youngest ever THL captain (Skritch) does in his debut. Purple is chock full of successful THL veterans, and has the potential to be the strongest division this season. 

Notes / Predictions for Purple division:
Division Winner: Hombres (Durden), H*ckbois (Markshire), Noobs (Nade)
MVP: SmokedSalmon (Durden), Bluesombrero (Markshire), Kuthroat (Nade).
Comeback Player: DocMcButt
Rookie of the Season: Earl
Overseeded: Hound
Underseeded: Brasky (Durden, Markshire), RogueJT (Nade)

And there you have it: some initial reactions, some bold predictions, and some real bullshit opinions. It’s exciting to see that after 9 completed seasons of THL we enter our 10th season with some spice and some flair on top of some great competition. A lot has happened between these teams and these players over time, and we hope our words have helped veterans and newbies alike catch up on some league lore. It’s been fun informing y’all on the deets, and now it’s time to hit the data sheets. Check out the new meta reports, email your Week 1 Opponent, and let the games begin!

The pleasure was ours,
Markshire, FollowDurden, and Nade