Salty Storylines for Season 5 - Cassity14

    Well boys and girls, the divisions for Season 5: Factions have been announced, and boy, do we have a lot of drama to dive into. Before we do that, let’s clarify a few things about this blog:

1. This is not a power ranking. This is meant to preview any possible drama that may occur within divisions. These teams are going to get to know each other really well this season, but I want you know to know about the ways they do already.
2. Things in here will be written in a dramatic and sometimes hyperbolic way. Don’t take it too seriously.
3. THL is fun. Have fun reading this.
4. You may not understand every hidden meme in here. If you want to, spend more time with us in Discord :)

    So let’s dive into the entire event before we get specific. Has there ever been a more fun Tavern Talk episode? I consider myself a qualified expert on the subject, and I’m going to say no. The drama, the tension, the excitement, and the league-wide celebration was incredible. Here’s to hoping this becomes a THL tradition! Alright - let’s go.

The Greaser Gang (Black): The (not) GGs don’t feature the same level of past drama that other divisions do, but there is some stuff to highlight:

I’ve got my eye on Netherstorm as one of the teams that openly felt mistreated getting beaten down in the former blue division for the last few seasons and seeing themselves as a deserving playoff team. With Cheesee gone (we’ll get to that later), they’ll have to prove a lot, but it’s time to show out on behalf of the formerly elitist blue.

Avatar led what looks to us outsiders as a total mutiny against THLeumer, former captain of the year, and one of the few schmucks to willingly make himself a league billboard, so it’s time for the team named after one of the most overrated movies of all time to show us what they’re all about.

Danger Zone is the best collective group of salesmen in the league. Every season they let us know it’s their time, and this season appears no different. Grim unsuccessfully campaigned for his all-star appearance, DZ formed a self-proclaimed think tank of coaches, and the team is reformed. This season they aim to actually put us in danger. Look for the new 1 seed to really prove his or her worth.

Yogg Champs are out to play Dunamis decks and be overrated by Mainge. No divisional drama here, but maybe Reno pirate paladin will make an appearance or 12.

Defias Brotherhood features a ticking fucking timebomb in JesusC and my god do I hope I’m in Discord the night he’s decided that he’s done taking Captain C0mp’s shit. Gotta find a way to get “Captain C0mp” in here, right?


Arcane Academy (Hot Pink, Biatch): NOW we’re talking…we have former teammates, former rivals, love, vitriol, and a stud ultimate frisbee player. Are you hyped yet?

Noob Central is a former title winner that started the choking Team Rank 5 meme. They’re the only team to ever beat TR5 in the league finals, and two players that took it the hardest in Cassity14 and Mainge are now wearing titles that match who they truly are as Bad Hombres. They also feature one of the few players to ever turn down a spot on TR5 in JoshSampson. Oh, and Kutthroat gets naked a lot.

Aeon is a team looking to put it together and get to the playoffs. Captain Detrucci previously won a championship playing for The Hairy Generals, who have repaid Detrucci by beating his team every season from the same division. Sometimes you can’t outrun the bully, and you have to finally fight back. Maybe Detrucci is ready to turn from apprentice to master.

1600 (Gods) Dust broke out onto the THL scene last year only to get cucked by going to Blizzcon. They got the benefit of playing in a very poor division last season, and had plenty of doubters. Some of those doubters are now forced to come to grips with reality and go up against these deities. Watch out.

The Hairy Generals have two championships, the Godfather of THL, and the largest team in terms of active and inactive players of any current team in the league. They watched Detrucci spread his wings so they could clip them personally. They fell short in the past finals to Team Rank 5, and the loss drove Jedi off of the THL board to the very edge of madness. Rumor has it he wakes up from nightmares of Mainge’s crooked smile at least twice a week. Factor in the call out taken as a team-wide attack by yours truly, and these guys are coming for blood. The Bad Hombres are going to jail.

Nobody is ready for the memes coming from The Bad Hombres, not even themselves. Noob Central broke the hearts of Cassity, Mainge, and CaptanMurdoc in Season 1 finals, drama stirred with The Hairy Generals just last season, and Mainge enjoys nothing more than beating Noob Central because it’s run by Nade. Don’t forget about Brunson, who has pissed off and been pissed off by just about every single person in the league at least once.


The Meanstreet Marshals (gold) feature the most new players of any division, so existing storylines aren’t as easy to find, but there are some. Pop the tab on your favorite beverage as we continue our preview:

N.W.A. will continued to be fueled by getting #1, but will have to go up against an old friend in HotAsianGirl who now suits up for Team Well Met.

Speaking of Team Well Met, HotAsianGirl isn’t the only returning player finding himself in a strange situation. Former captain Jaxox will also be playing for TWM as the five seed. Jaxox is the former captain of NaCl, the current captain of N.W.A., and the traitor who originally signed HotAsianGirl into THL right out from under Jaxox, NaCl’s former captain, just as Jaxox planned to do so! Tl;dr: Jaxox finally landed with HotAsianGirl on his team to combat NaCl’s team, but it happened 3 seasons after the original plan. You may need to read back through that a couple of times. Don’t forget about captain BitBeaker, who is fresh off of an SHL championship.

Hearthstone Academy is a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of. All I have to say is that they were clearly placed in the wrong division just by looking at their name. It is up to them to tell their story.

Hey Bro, Xnergy is back again! DexterHS, the artist formerly known as DiamonD, is looking to build a team that actually submits its classes and plays its matches this season. There’s nowhere for this team to go but up, so look for an improved season!

The Damaged Ones have a couple interesting dynamics. They return SuperSam, a player who has had success as a player but not as a captain, and captain JerryDamage, a new legend player that didn’t have to pay SuperSam for help, finds himself pitted against NaCl. Jerry and NaCl are the only individuals to currently serve on the governing board for both THL and SHL, and were SHL season 1 teammates. Having them in the same division is sure to bring out some salt, especially when Jerry sees his team’s spot in the power rankings.

Last but not least, we have The Sentinels of Serenity (blue):


This division has some interesting storylines going on, and that starts with Soupreme. Captain MVParker takes back the name of the team that brought him into THL and then cut him (without his knowledge) to sign his now current teammate and former MVP, Cheesee10. That certainly came full circle. Cheesee has plenty of experience dealing with Team Golden Wisp, who shared the old blue division with him and now continue to do so. Fresh off of his second MVP award, Slimsch continues to play with Parker and for the second straight season, will team up with a former MVP.


SWAGOI has become to first inter-league ambassador to THL, as they join us from another hearthstone league. Do we suck? Are the the best? Their results will give us a read.

Team Golden Wisp is the oldest podcast team currently in THL. Captain AlecGWP was the 1 seed on the Noob Central team that broke Imbolc’s heart in season 1, but has yet to lead his own team to a postseason berth. Perhaps this is the season to do so.

Entropy won’t have founder and long time captain, Jaxox, around anymore. Dlineman stays on with SmokedSalmon and a new look group as they have to take on Imbolc immediately after their ugly breakup this past offseason. SmokedSalmon says Imbolc’s old room in the team house still smells like dog piss, but that’s not something you leave on a voicemail.

The Temporal Legends feature the two players that fly under the radar (weighed down by their grandiose hubris) in HectorHowl and Imbolc. These two both want to beat MVParker more than anyone in the league, and the feelings are certainly mutual. Should the paladins of the past emerge as champions this season, MVParker will probably never be heard from again.

As you can see, there is plenty of juicy drama waiting to unfold in THL Season 5: Faction. Do not discount the drama to surely be created as the season goes on as well. We have a great season ahead of us THL, and I hope you’re hyped.
Don’t let your memes be dreams.
-Cassity14